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| ahhh i hate how i wrote a whole blog post on my phone and i lost it all and i said everything that i wanted to say and was feeling at the moment, and now i just can't remember what i said. ahhh :'[ stupid phone!!!!
here's a blurb of what i can remember of what i wrote prior to losing it all on my stupid phone:
*sigh* i know i deserve better. i'm tired of it all. i don't care what you do anymore. you two should just be a happy couple. you don't need me. i'm nothing, but a piece of physical body there. i don't care of what you all think of me anymore. you can look at me and call me a "bitch" all you want, but you don't even really know me. all you have seen is just me being emotional and moody, in which i have all the right reasons to why i express those feelings and emotions. until you really step in my shoes and really understand the whole situation you really have nothing more to say. i don't need to explain myself anymore; like i said, i'm nothing more than a piece of physical being that's good for nothing that just sucks up air. yes. i do love you, but it's not enough for you. you barely even know me and the person i really am. do what you want, but i can't take it anymore. you've hurt me more than enough and more than what i even take. go and be free and be happy. you don't need me i'm nothing more. Every time this happens it always pushes me and makes me think and wish that i could never speak or have a voice, and just communicate via ASL, and maybe, just maybe, it'll be enough to capture your interest and attention to even acknowledge and get to know who i really am.
*sigh* i can say no more. the burning sensation of my eyes and the aching in my heart can no longer linger. it is exhausted and burnt out to its maximum capacity. right when i thought things were progressing and things were getting better between us something always happens and it just starts all over again. i'm good for nothing. i don't think i'm even making sense. i can't even think or express how i feel anymore. i lost everything i said before. now i just feel empty, unloved, and not valued.
- wish: i wish i cannot talk, and something were to happen to me and i would lose my voice forever - | | |
| Awesome! finally got some exercise this week! took a hip hop dance class today, which strangely we were soing break dancing stuff -.-'. boy was it intense! it was hard in the beginning, but once you get the rhythm & you have that attitude it's actually not that bad haha. at first my friends & I were scared & timid, but once we all got the sense of it it was okay. we thought that we were going to learn hip hop dance routines, but no we were doing a mixture with break dancing. one of our moves was to lean & rest on one side of our shoulder with our whole body weight pressing against the hard wood dance floor, which was realy painful, but aside from that the routine was cool. im going to practice & hopefully I can get that part down. I got the rest of the routine down other than that shoulder resting part & flipping on the hard wood floor. I was amazed at some girls who already got it down for their first class. it was fun! & yay! I got to really do some exercise today with my friends! sweet! working out buddies, which was like a whole pack of us haha. fun! fun! I think I ran about a total of 7-8 miles today. YAYA haven't gone running for the longest time & it was actually nice getting back to it, especially when you have your friends by your side working it out with you :). thank you! can't wait until next week & this time ill come prepared. thanks for saving my life hydee :P. | | |
| Yet another awesome and adventurous day today. Baked 8 DOZENS of oat meal raisin cookies, which actually turned out okay - not as I hoped it to be, so I give myself a 'okay' rating. ( oat meal raisin cookies picture coming soon ! ) after spending 3 hours baking the 8 dozens of cookies, which took me forever - much longer than I needed all because a good chunk of my time, an hour in-a-half, mashing up the stupid harden brown sugar so the texture can be smooth and creamy before mixing all the other ingredients. Then I rushed and got ready for VSA's (Vietnamese Student Association) 21st anniversary production at the La Mirada Theater in 11 minutes while my last batch of cookies were baking in the oven. As soon as I finished getting ready I rushed out the door hoping to arrive to the performance on time, which I forgot to print out directions prior to leaving my house; very smart wasn't it. Thank you to justins for providing directions and directing me on how to get there. As I drove with anticipation of arriving late to the performance my friends said that I did not have to rush because the doors were not even open. The doors were suppose to open by 5:30, but let's just say we were running on 'asian time'.
After watching the comedic performance we headed out to Albert Tacos or Alberto's, either one I don't remember which one, for some carne sada fries for dinner - yum. After grubbing on some fatty, yet delicious food, we played a little bit of rock band on the ps2. Then we all headed back out to La Mirada Park to do our most exciting night time activity -
*drum rolls* *da-dah-da-dahhhh* ICE BLOCKING ! which was my very first time experience.
At first we were all disappointed when we were unable to get our block of ice at the vending machine, which totally ate $5 worth of quarters. Thank God! we were able run to food4less to purchase a some block of ice, which totally saved our evening of fun because we were all already uncertain if we were able to do ice blocking anymore.
WOW! Wheeee! Yay! was it awesome and fun sliding down a hill with a block of ice. It was so much fun & a good exercise running/walking back up the hill after sliding down the hill. Get this, we were all successful in doing a 5 people train ice blocking like after couple attempts. It was so much fun ! I hope we all get to do this together again some other. Fun! Fun! Fun! Thank you for a lovely evening!
*Oh! I saw the sunrise O_O; it is already 7:10am. now it is time for bed after writing this blog* Good night! | | |
| wooo what an adventurous way to spend your friday the 13th - hiking. Originally our plan for today was to attend the Hurley everything $5 sample sale, unfortunately all the good stuff -- sweaters, jackets, shoes & hats were all gone, so we decided not to go anymore. Instead of going we baked "egg-less" chocolate chip cookies. Wow, can you believe that "egg-less" chocolate chip cookies. In my opinion they were "just okay" only after cooling. Yucky shortening haha. After baking cookies we were all ready to head off to our ghost hunting adventure at blackstar canyon. Ooo scary huh?! Ghost hunting! After driving all the way there we were told by mr. popo that we had to leave and that we are not allowed to be there. This was actually our second attempt to explore that spooky canyon.
Mr. Popo didn't let us go, so instead we decided to do something else spontaneous to make our friday evening exciting, so that's when we decided to go hiking at one of the trails in trabbucco. How hilarious was it to try drive through a 4 mile dirt road passage to get to our hiking trail. It was like riding 'Indiana Jones' in Disneyland, but in real life in a super size van. That was fun! We were going 5 miles hoping that our van wouldn't have any complications, such as pop tires haha. We did not get very far. we decided to turn back just in case if our van were to fail on us.
Off to our hike. It was exciting, yet scary not knowing where our hike led to and whether if the trail looped or not. We only saw a couple of birds, lots of frogs, & a centipede ( pictures will be coming soon! ). I love how we have so much fun and excitement together. Tonight's hiking adventure was exhilarating, refreshing, and relaxing. It is always nice to go out and be adventurous, especially with your close friends and your significant other.
Hiking at night time was very nice. It was very relaxing and somewhat therapeutic. I look forward in doing another night hiking adventure! | | |
| *i noticed that i always write such depressing and sad blogs, but this is my blog and it is only ONE of my many ways of coping, expressing, and getting my emotions out in a healthy manner ~ please don't take that away from me*
thank you for a comforting evening Jessica. i really needed it! thank you for always listening to me and allowing me to come to you. it really has been rough for these past couple of days. it's not good when others begin to notice that i'm not myself anymore. I'm feeling a little bit better after yesterday. I'm actually starting to recover, but i still feel very fatigue and burnt out, and of course emotionally drained. everything has really been a tole on me. year after year, like you said, layers and layers of burden is just compiling and gradually in time it shows. you're right. it really is not healthy for me, especially when others around me are beginning to see that i have not really been myself lately. parts of me are slowly chipping away and coming to a crumble.
i really need some time, peace, and quiet to calm down and just try to pull myself together. i need to find myself again. i don't understand much anymore.
i am really tremendously under tons of stress and i haven't had the time to rest and to really escape nor fall back on much healthy, comforting, and caring needs. EXCEPT yesterday, and i like to take the time to say thank you to you in person and in my blog. i really appreciate your loving care, kindness, and understanding in comforting me in time of need. As we tell our children in class, express how you feel; now it is my turn to say: it makes me sad that i don't have that one person that i hoped to have to really depend and fall back on when i am truly in need of that loving care, kindness, and comfort. | | |
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